No more tears left to cry

From the title, you may think someone close to me died or is dying. Of course that's what other's thought today when they saw me rushing out of school with Cole balling my eyes out. Fortunately nothing like that happened at all. But those who know the true Becky, know that tears flow from my eyes in the blink of an eye. I don't hide disappointment, frustration, anger, or just sadness very well. I never have and honestly don't think I ever will. I have no ability to hold up to being defeated and sometimes I think that really isn't a bad quality. It shows I trust others, I want others approval, and I value what I put into life. Of course it is a bad quality when it happens frequently and you have passed it on to your children.

Yes, if you haven't figured out yet, I was told today that I pretty much would not have the Kindergarten job for next year. SMACK--yes I felt like I got a smack in the face. After being told more than once that I had the job, what did my principal expect for me to feel. Of course, I don't truly believe it is all his fault for me not getting the job, I do feel as if it is his fault for making me feel as if this was a done deal, me getting kindergarten and all. How many times he told the staff and me that I would have the position, only to be knocked down once and for all. It became more apparant today that I am pretty much stuck in SPED for the rest of my career should I chose to stay in Liberty. What a hard thing to realize. I really liked the Liberty School District and moved my family here so they could attend the school. Now I feel as if I will have to find a different district to work for so that i may, just may teach Kindergarten some day. It is frustrating. I know you must all think, there are worse things in life and I should be thankful I have a job, a healthy family, and a healthy baby on the way. But in the heat of the moment, those things weren't important as I feel my dream was pushed even farther away.

I am going to try one last resort, but don't think it will pay off. I just feel I need to say something to someone about how it isn't fair, just because I have a SPED degree, I can't follow my dreams while others in the district can.

Well I am off to lay down. After crying so much, I am exhausted. If I didn't want to save my days for next year and if it weren't MAP testing, I would stay home tomorrow, in bed all day with rain coming-oh well I bought some visine and will try to make it through the day tomorrow!